Friday, March 28, 2014
Friday, April 5, 2013
Into the end....
As I snorted up that pink glassy stuff, I thought my nose was going to burn off my face. I remember everyone there thought it was hilarious to see this 18 year old, lean up from that mirror and say oh GD. I immediately got the nickname Hoover. I guess they thought I was lying about all of my experiences with cocaine back in Florida. I didn't do anymore that night... But over the next few months of 98,, I dabbled more and more.
Jack would want to get high, so I'd be like heck yea, lets do it. I so just wanted to see him happy and he was the happiest when he was high. New Years Eve that year was GREAT!! Biggest party we'd ever had. We'd sneak to the bathroom and do a line or two and then back to the party we went. Many memories from that night.
We really didn't fight to much back in the first months of our relationship... oh but the fights were to come. (and over lil shit, like dishes or food) It was around February of 99 that we were living in Union City. We were in Jackson every chance we'd get, partying and just having the time of our lives (so I thought). I met so many people. Jack seemed to know everyone, and he was so protective (OBSESSIVE) of me. If we were out in public, I constantly had to be within eye sight. I had to be seen but not heard. All of which I thought was perfectly normal. (with growing up the way I did,, that was normal to me) Around July of 99, Jack and I went up to happy chandlers to look at the lake. We went on odd drives often... That was the first time I went skinny dipping , and we had sex while in the water. Little did I know, I would end up pregnant. I was a stupid teenager. Blindly in love and willing to do anything to make our relationship work.
I didn't start my period in August, and I went straight to the Agape house one day while Jack was sleeping. Sure enough I was pregnant. I was 19. I went to the apartment and woke him up and he took me to the store, where we bought 6 more pregnancy tests and sure enough, they all came back as positive. So I made a Dr.'s appt. The first time I heard the heart beat it changed my world. No longer did my life revolve around Jack, but instead it revolved around this little creature growing inside of me. That made Jack so mad, he was so jealous of the baby that wasn't even here yet. About 3 months into the pregnancy, Jack and I started fighting so bad. He would get mad and push me. He'd get angry and hit me in the belly. At one point he pushed me down the stairs, I went straight to the er. The heartbeat remained strong. He was so jealous. I should've seen what was coming, but I was blind....
Jack would want to get high, so I'd be like heck yea, lets do it. I so just wanted to see him happy and he was the happiest when he was high. New Years Eve that year was GREAT!! Biggest party we'd ever had. We'd sneak to the bathroom and do a line or two and then back to the party we went. Many memories from that night.
We really didn't fight to much back in the first months of our relationship... oh but the fights were to come. (and over lil shit, like dishes or food) It was around February of 99 that we were living in Union City. We were in Jackson every chance we'd get, partying and just having the time of our lives (so I thought). I met so many people. Jack seemed to know everyone, and he was so protective (OBSESSIVE) of me. If we were out in public, I constantly had to be within eye sight. I had to be seen but not heard. All of which I thought was perfectly normal. (with growing up the way I did,, that was normal to me) Around July of 99, Jack and I went up to happy chandlers to look at the lake. We went on odd drives often... That was the first time I went skinny dipping , and we had sex while in the water. Little did I know, I would end up pregnant. I was a stupid teenager. Blindly in love and willing to do anything to make our relationship work.
I didn't start my period in August, and I went straight to the Agape house one day while Jack was sleeping. Sure enough I was pregnant. I was 19. I went to the apartment and woke him up and he took me to the store, where we bought 6 more pregnancy tests and sure enough, they all came back as positive. So I made a Dr.'s appt. The first time I heard the heart beat it changed my world. No longer did my life revolve around Jack, but instead it revolved around this little creature growing inside of me. That made Jack so mad, he was so jealous of the baby that wasn't even here yet. About 3 months into the pregnancy, Jack and I started fighting so bad. He would get mad and push me. He'd get angry and hit me in the belly. At one point he pushed me down the stairs, I went straight to the er. The heartbeat remained strong. He was so jealous. I should've seen what was coming, but I was blind....
Meth,, the one thing I'd never do... Yes that was me. My morals did matter some to me. But I suppose that Jack mattered more. When the ultimatum of trying it or losing him came around,, I was quick to listen (obey was more like it.) I was quick to become one of those people who just bowed down to Jack. At that point in my life I didn't see it as weakness, but as loyalty and love. But real love never asks you to do anything you aren't willing to do in the first place....
I'm going to back up to the first time I found out Jack did meth. I had noticed that he'd stay up odd hours, didn't eat much,, but I didn't put two and two together. I was blindly in love. A teenager with high hopes of this older guy. I thought Jack hung the moon... He could do no wrong (but he did a lot of wrong)... It was not long after we got together and we were just hanging out... maybe end of October of 98. It was a warm day (but not to warm) for fall and Jack and I had gone over to his sisters that day. He was sweating ~ wearing a tank and shorts and I was freezing wearing a t shirt, one of his long sleeve shirts and jeans. I thought his sister was a bit odd, but it was his sister so I tried to give her a chance. It was that day that he brought up trying it with him, but I said no and he didn't press the issue (at least not that day). I watched as he snorted up this glassy pink stuff and thought I'll never do that. I immediately noticed his sex drive increase, but even at 18 I couldn't keep up. That was the first day Jack told me he loved me... But looking back,, I think it had something to do with the fact that I had just given the longest blowjob of my life. (around 7 and a half hours worth-- he was proud of that too,,, used to tell his buddies and I used to think shit like that was normal).
Around Thanksgiving of 98 (after many weeks of him pestering me - meth will give us a better sex life, it will help us connect on a deeper level, blah blah blah), we were hanging out with some friends and they were all getting high (remember I had tried/done nearly everything in high-school). I remember thinking to myself, I'm never going to do that. Jack walked me into the bathroom of that trailer and looked me dead in the eyes and told me I needed to try it. I refused,, he got closer to my face and said "Aimee, Try it or you need to leave and we are done", He led me back out of the bathroom, and pointed to the dresser where he'd laid out a good two inch line... It was pink and glassy but yet fluffy at the same time. I remember looking at the girl that was there and she shook her head (as if to say you better do it) I glanced at the guy that was sitting beside her and he just smiled. I looked up at Jack and said "No, I don't want to" and he pointed at the door. So I took the rolled up money, and leaned forward... in a way, I guess into the end I leaned....
I'm going to back up to the first time I found out Jack did meth. I had noticed that he'd stay up odd hours, didn't eat much,, but I didn't put two and two together. I was blindly in love. A teenager with high hopes of this older guy. I thought Jack hung the moon... He could do no wrong (but he did a lot of wrong)... It was not long after we got together and we were just hanging out... maybe end of October of 98. It was a warm day (but not to warm) for fall and Jack and I had gone over to his sisters that day. He was sweating ~ wearing a tank and shorts and I was freezing wearing a t shirt, one of his long sleeve shirts and jeans. I thought his sister was a bit odd, but it was his sister so I tried to give her a chance. It was that day that he brought up trying it with him, but I said no and he didn't press the issue (at least not that day). I watched as he snorted up this glassy pink stuff and thought I'll never do that. I immediately noticed his sex drive increase, but even at 18 I couldn't keep up. That was the first day Jack told me he loved me... But looking back,, I think it had something to do with the fact that I had just given the longest blowjob of my life. (around 7 and a half hours worth-- he was proud of that too,,, used to tell his buddies and I used to think shit like that was normal).
Around Thanksgiving of 98 (after many weeks of him pestering me - meth will give us a better sex life, it will help us connect on a deeper level, blah blah blah), we were hanging out with some friends and they were all getting high (remember I had tried/done nearly everything in high-school). I remember thinking to myself, I'm never going to do that. Jack walked me into the bathroom of that trailer and looked me dead in the eyes and told me I needed to try it. I refused,, he got closer to my face and said "Aimee, Try it or you need to leave and we are done", He led me back out of the bathroom, and pointed to the dresser where he'd laid out a good two inch line... It was pink and glassy but yet fluffy at the same time. I remember looking at the girl that was there and she shook her head (as if to say you better do it) I glanced at the guy that was sitting beside her and he just smiled. I looked up at Jack and said "No, I don't want to" and he pointed at the door. So I took the rolled up money, and leaned forward... in a way, I guess into the end I leaned....
Monday, September 10, 2012
The Beginning,, 1998
Lets take a few steps back and start with my mom and dad's split up (I never really said anything about that). After many years of dealing with my father's alcoholism, the non-stop fighting between my mom & dad, and all the indiscretions - My mom finally said enough,, she threw him and his stuff of out of the house (literally) and he got what he could in his van and moved back to Kentucky. My mom tried to make it on her own, but Florida (especially the city we were living in) is an expensive place to live. So (if I am remembering correct) she moved to Tennessee to stay with my aunt until she got back on her feet in either the end of April 1998 or beginning of May 98.
I stayed and moved in with RjL. I tried to make it work with him, but there was too much fighting and once I was living with him our fights got a lot more physical. I called my mom once, and she got me a bus ticket to Tennessee, but I didn't stay long (just long enough to get a job and get money for a bus ticket back down there). But I once again had to call her, this time she borrowed a van and came and got me. Lord, this was all from May to July of 98. I put a lot on my mom that summer. I'm sorry for that mom.
Once I decided that I was not going back to RjL, and I was going to stay in Tennessee,, things got pretty good. I had cleaned my act up, no more smoking pot or doing other drugs. Around August of 98, I got set up on a date with the a pretty decent guy. I got a job at an in home daycare and things were going pretty damn good. The guy I was seeing played drums and wrote music,, he was in a little band and they had me singing some of the songs (I've always loved to sing and write). I got my first tattoo, my tribal butterfly. Life was good for that moment in time.
Let's see,, I do believe it was towards middle of September 1998 that the guy I was seeing and I went to one of his friends house's to go swimming. We were all sitting around the table beside the pool (it was a cool afternoon & no one had gotten in the pool yet.) Then in come walking this attractive red-head with mirrored sunglasses (I had never seen him before), no introductions were made. Someone finally got up and jumped in the pool, so at this point I was decided I was going to go dive in too. Didn't stay in long though (it was freaking cold!!) I got out of the pool, and even through those dark mirrored sunglasses, I could tell this mysterious stranger was watching my every move. I finally said something to him (don't remember what I said, just remember that it was a smart-ass little comment). He laughed (& he came back with an equally smart-ass little comment too, I smarted off right back and he followed up with a 'well by God') and then he smiled and took his sunglasses off and introduced himself as Jack. Right at that moment I was smitten, I'd met my match (or so I thought). After a bit of all of us sitting around bull-shitting,, we all decided to jump in the pool. After it started to get to cold to be in the pool,, we decided to go riding around back-roads, Jack and I talked quite a bit that night,, but I never saw what was going to happen coming.
Jack starting bringing himself around more and more. The guy I was seeing thought he was coming to see him,, but in fact he was coming around so he could see me. Jack started showing up where me and the guy I was seeing would be out at. Cheers was our main go and hang out place (mind you I was only 18) but I very rarely drank, unless Jack was around. He had a way with people, way of getting them to do what he wanted or thinking what he wanted them to think. He also had a way of finding trouble. One night some guy at the bar was being a big time ass towards me (grabbing my ass, trying to dance with me when I didn't want to dance w/ him & then started saying some really belligerent stuff to me) and the guy I was seeing would not do anything about it,, so Jack got in a fight with that guy.
Jack invited the guy I was seeing and several other people to go to a bar in Jackson. That night was the first night I'd ever drank crown and coke. I had a blast. I danced the night away with him and lots of people. We had a fantastic night. After the bar closed, we all decided to go to IHOP, something was wrong the guy I was seeings car, so he ran to Walmart to get whatever it was to fix his car and left me there with Jack. He and I had gone outside to smoke and that's when I found out how he felt about me.
We were all to tipsy to drive back from Jackson to South Fulton, so we stayed with one of Jack's friends in Jackson. After everyone had fallen asleep,, I got up and walked outside and Jack followed. We walked down to this open field, it was a beautiful night it was cold but the stars were shining bright and it was a full moon. Jack gave me his long sleeve shirt he had on. I'd never had a guy treat me like the way he was treating me. Then he kissed me. I'd never cheated on anyone before, so I felt horrible about the kiss. We stood there talking about what was going to happen between us until the sun was coming up and then we walked back to the house. Guy I was talking to was outside, sitting on the steps. I asked Jack to give me a minute, but Jack didn't move away to far. I told the guy I was seeing that Jack & I kissed and I thought it was best if we didn't see one another anymore & I told him I wanted to be with Jack. Of course he got angry and tried to snatch me up, but Jack stepped up and told him there was no need in that. He went in the house and woke the other people that came down to Jackson with him, got them in the car and they left. This was October 1998.
Within a few days of us seeing each other, he'd pretty much had me moved in with him. Things were happening so fast, but it felt ok and good. In the beginning he was such a great guy. He even took the time to go introduce himself to my mom, because after the guy I was seeing and I split up and I got together with Jack people were telling my mom all sorts of stuff of about Jack. After my mom and Jack had sat down and talked, my mom still had a bad feeling about him and told me I shouldn't see him, but I was 18 (I was stubborn & you couldn't tell me anything-I've always been a tad bit stubborn) and didn't want to hear anything anyone had to say, especially someone telling me not to be with someone I thought hung the moon.
Jack took me places and did things with me, things I'd always wanted to do. With the guy I'd been seeing before Jack, I didn't really meet many people, Jack started introducing me to lots of people. He knew it seemed like everyone!! Some of these people, I didn't know at the time were his dope doing buddies. Wasn't long until I figured that out though. Guess it wasn't long before he asked me to get high with him,, but he did something that I'd always said I would NEVER do.... meth
I told him no until I was blue in the face about using it... But like I've said he had this way of getting people to do what he wanted them to do. And I ended up being one of those people. It came to the point of him saying,, you either try this or we are over. So I gave in one night. This was the beginning of a long standing battle with him. The battle that almost took my life....
Been a while...
I've not been writing on here (I have taken a long break,, too long- been dealing with a lot though)....
I got stuck between wanting to write and thinking that I am going to make people mad & hurt some people. Lots of people are going to call me a liar, but no one was behind the closed doors with me. I lived one life in public, and lead a totally different life in private.
I lived that way for the next 11 years. But, I've come realize that I can't be scared of what people are going to think of this next part of my life's journey,, lot of it is sad, a lot of it is bad and there is so much regret. I'm ready to clear my conscious and start walking with my head high. It's 3 am,, couldn't sleep. I never sleep anymore. I'm going to use a lot of anonymous names instead of real names,, but those who read this should know who I am referring to.
I am ready to be free of Jack Jr. Free from people saying things about me,, still thinking I am the person I was when I was with him. Mostly, I am so so tired of being the girl who got shot by her crazy husband and still to this day,, living under his shadow.
Bare with me,, this part is going to be long and very detailed.
Here it goes,, here comes the truth.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Stand for what is right
I am standing up for myself
If anyone does not like the fact that I am telling my life's story
STAY OFF THIS PAGE!!!
I knew some people would get mad, but some that I
thought would understand, are being the most critical!!
For anyone who doesn't know what a blog is meant for
LET ME EXPLAIN:
It is to express your feelings, your troubles, your thoughts,
to try and help people who may need HELP!!
I will continue to write, and there is a lot more to be said.
So like it or not,
You will not persuade me to stop....
WHY??
I have this soul that always feel unsettled.... I always feel the need to escape ~ especially from relationships... I try, but I get to feeling TRAPPED!!
I'm so worried about getting hurt emotionally.... Scared of commitment!!
I want to be able to love and give my love, but something holds me back...
What happened to me, was like my free loving heart did die. I can't make myself STAY!! I start feeling hateful, vengeful, and like I have to get AWAY!!
I guess I have a gypsy soul.....
One day my soul will settle, I hope....
I play it safe... Guard my heart...
I never give because I am scared of never getting
what I give back...
I've seen too much pain & heartbreak in my life..
I guess that is why I am scared to give my heart again..
I play it safe... Guard my heart...
I never give because I am scared of never getting
what I give back...
I've seen too much pain & heartbreak in my life..
I guess that is why I am scared to give my heart again..
Monday, February 20, 2012
Truth hurts.... Things that hurt me to say.....
These are just a few things that I seen and learned very early on... (sorry if I hurt anyone here)
My dad was an alcoholic, he was abusive (mentally & physically), I always thought that was normal... Drinking and doing bad things...
My mom got fed up with my dad when I was around 14 or so,, So I started watching my little brother all the time while she was out partying.... I remember her sitting in her SUV with a bucket propped up on her steering wheel, puking her guts up. At one point she just gave up on everything, got tired of helping people and decided to live for herself....
Faithfulness isn't something that my family held dear. Marriage was not sacred to my mom and dad (pretty sad, knowing that mommy and daddy aren't happy)... (great thing to teach kids)
Abuse is something that my mom grew to accept.... Which taught me, that its ok to put up with abuse and neglect.
My family isn't very supportive (extended and close),,, If they can, they will talk bad about you.... (that is why I've stayed away from most of them)
A lot of my family is just plan nuts.... Yes, I am not completely sane, but DAYUM.
We all have problems, but I've got some big hypocrites in my family.... Not gonna drop a name,,, but she doesn't live around here and she's the largest hypocrite I'VE met....
I was a pretty sad kid/teenager.... Confused, lost, & neglected feeling..... That's why I did the things I did.... To get attention.... And even that didn't work....
I've hurt people, some purposefully to just see if I could do it... which is sad....
I have desperately looked for someone to make me think that life could be better,,,
BUT I'VE COME TO REALIZE LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT,,, DON'T LET YOUR PAST DEFINE YOU... LEARN FROM IT.... DON'T REPEAT THE PAST!!!
My dad was an alcoholic, he was abusive (mentally & physically), I always thought that was normal... Drinking and doing bad things...
My mom got fed up with my dad when I was around 14 or so,, So I started watching my little brother all the time while she was out partying.... I remember her sitting in her SUV with a bucket propped up on her steering wheel, puking her guts up. At one point she just gave up on everything, got tired of helping people and decided to live for herself....
Faithfulness isn't something that my family held dear. Marriage was not sacred to my mom and dad (pretty sad, knowing that mommy and daddy aren't happy)... (great thing to teach kids)
Abuse is something that my mom grew to accept.... Which taught me, that its ok to put up with abuse and neglect.
My family isn't very supportive (extended and close),,, If they can, they will talk bad about you.... (that is why I've stayed away from most of them)
A lot of my family is just plan nuts.... Yes, I am not completely sane, but DAYUM.
We all have problems, but I've got some big hypocrites in my family.... Not gonna drop a name,,, but she doesn't live around here and she's the largest hypocrite I'VE met....
I was a pretty sad kid/teenager.... Confused, lost, & neglected feeling..... That's why I did the things I did.... To get attention.... And even that didn't work....
I've hurt people, some purposefully to just see if I could do it... which is sad....
I have desperately looked for someone to make me think that life could be better,,,
BUT I'VE COME TO REALIZE LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT,,, DON'T LET YOUR PAST DEFINE YOU... LEARN FROM IT.... DON'T REPEAT THE PAST!!!
Turmoils of Highschool..... Most of the turmoil caused by myself.....
I honestly came to a point where I could give a shit care less about school.... I'd much rather be at the beach or at a party. RjL was still my boyfriend.... He had dropped out the beginning of 10th grade.... I started skipping ALOT of school, I'd go to his house and smoke weed.... Which led to more....
Once I got my first car, I only went to school on days that we had tests (my friends would let me know when a test was coming up, so I'd show - then leave as soon as I took the test), I was still passing though,, A & B student.... Used to sit in my car or someones car and smoke a J during school, Drugs started becoming my life.....
Towards the middle of tenth grade, I tried ACID.... Loved it.... (How stupid was that) Started going to raves,,, started doing ecstacy (trolling was my thing - acid/x mix ~tripping and rolling at same time)
Tenth grade came to an end, I pretty much lived with RjL that summer (big mistake) Things would go ok,,, but when he'd get high, he'd become a different person.... Controlling, Jealous, & flat out mean... Started pushing me around, I remember his mom (who's smaller than me) having to get him off of me.... I'd go home after one of his violent incidents and run right back.... I started having to sneak out (my mom hated RjL) She turned me in as a runaway more than once....
We had many parties doing very bad things at hotel rooms.... Drugs were everywhere.... And I was usually right in the middle of all of it.
One night RjL beat the shit out of me, I escaped him by getting out a window,, called my mom and she came and met me where I told her to.... She was livid.
Summer ended, 11th grade started. I took RjL back OF COURSE!! I spent the year, skipping classes and just being a party girl. Half the time when we did party,, I was like "mama" taking care of the ones who were having bad trips or bad ecstasy experiences. Then came homecoming.... I was up for queen. I was SOOOOO pissed when I lost to this chick in band.... Everyone told me (including some teachers) that I couldn't win because of my reputation. that's that....
Then come prom.... I pay for everything (well me and my uncle) including RjL's tux. My mom got us a room with a hot tub in it... We stayed at prom for MAYBE a hour, then we went to the hotel. Were he invited bunch of his friends.... He ended up pushing me around that night because I didn't want to do cocaine.... So I stayed in the hotel room alone for a while, then ended up leaving.....
After prom, I quit school. STUPIDEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE!!
RjL and I broke up not long after I quit school (I found out he was cheating on me). I had the greatest summer of my life!! FREEDOM!! I met some great people, expanded my horizons, spent lots of time with friends which I wasn't allowed to do when we were together (I wasn't allowed to be friends with anyone but his friends-fucked up right) Me and Shay and Dawnn hung out all the time, we were unseperable. I was still partying and partying hard.... Great memories made that summer!!!
Shortly there after my mom moved back to Tennessee.... RjL and I had gotten back together at the end of the summer & I decided to stay in Florida with him. That did not last long,,, I was cooking spaghetti and he didn't like the pan I chose to cook with, so he hit me in the side of the head with the pan. I freaked out on him... Beating him with anything I could get my hands on... Then he was all I'm so sorry baby, I didn't do anything wrong... WHatEVER!!
I called my mom and she sent me a greyhound ticket. I came to TN,,, only to go back less than a month later.... HOW DUMB.... I thought he would change I was wrong.... Within two weeks of me being back, he was pushing me around again and we were non stop fighting.
I came back to Tennessee....
Then comes the next chapter,,,, Jack JR
Once I got my first car, I only went to school on days that we had tests (my friends would let me know when a test was coming up, so I'd show - then leave as soon as I took the test), I was still passing though,, A & B student.... Used to sit in my car or someones car and smoke a J during school, Drugs started becoming my life.....
Towards the middle of tenth grade, I tried ACID.... Loved it.... (How stupid was that) Started going to raves,,, started doing ecstacy (trolling was my thing - acid/x mix ~tripping and rolling at same time)
Tenth grade came to an end, I pretty much lived with RjL that summer (big mistake) Things would go ok,,, but when he'd get high, he'd become a different person.... Controlling, Jealous, & flat out mean... Started pushing me around, I remember his mom (who's smaller than me) having to get him off of me.... I'd go home after one of his violent incidents and run right back.... I started having to sneak out (my mom hated RjL) She turned me in as a runaway more than once....
We had many parties doing very bad things at hotel rooms.... Drugs were everywhere.... And I was usually right in the middle of all of it.
One night RjL beat the shit out of me, I escaped him by getting out a window,, called my mom and she came and met me where I told her to.... She was livid.
Summer ended, 11th grade started. I took RjL back OF COURSE!! I spent the year, skipping classes and just being a party girl. Half the time when we did party,, I was like "mama" taking care of the ones who were having bad trips or bad ecstasy experiences. Then came homecoming.... I was up for queen. I was SOOOOO pissed when I lost to this chick in band.... Everyone told me (including some teachers) that I couldn't win because of my reputation. that's that....
Then come prom.... I pay for everything (well me and my uncle) including RjL's tux. My mom got us a room with a hot tub in it... We stayed at prom for MAYBE a hour, then we went to the hotel. Were he invited bunch of his friends.... He ended up pushing me around that night because I didn't want to do cocaine.... So I stayed in the hotel room alone for a while, then ended up leaving.....
After prom, I quit school. STUPIDEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE!!
RjL and I broke up not long after I quit school (I found out he was cheating on me). I had the greatest summer of my life!! FREEDOM!! I met some great people, expanded my horizons, spent lots of time with friends which I wasn't allowed to do when we were together (I wasn't allowed to be friends with anyone but his friends-fucked up right) Me and Shay and Dawnn hung out all the time, we were unseperable. I was still partying and partying hard.... Great memories made that summer!!!
Shortly there after my mom moved back to Tennessee.... RjL and I had gotten back together at the end of the summer & I decided to stay in Florida with him. That did not last long,,, I was cooking spaghetti and he didn't like the pan I chose to cook with, so he hit me in the side of the head with the pan. I freaked out on him... Beating him with anything I could get my hands on... Then he was all I'm so sorry baby, I didn't do anything wrong... WHatEVER!!
I called my mom and she sent me a greyhound ticket. I came to TN,,, only to go back less than a month later.... HOW DUMB.... I thought he would change I was wrong.... Within two weeks of me being back, he was pushing me around again and we were non stop fighting.
I came back to Tennessee....
Then comes the next chapter,,,, Jack JR
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Summer break...
Didn't take long for RjL to weasel his way back into my life. I was so gullible.
We'd see each other when we could. But I mainly hung out with hot tamale & T.F. We did crazy stuff that summer, lol. We'd sneak out late at night, meet up with people, go to the beach, typical teenage stuff. I remember once we snuck out and got pulled over by the cops and hot tamale somehow convinced the cops to just take us home and not talk to our parents.
Started smoking more weed over that summer, pretty regularly. Started drinking too.
Time for tenth grade....
We'd see each other when we could. But I mainly hung out with hot tamale & T.F. We did crazy stuff that summer, lol. We'd sneak out late at night, meet up with people, go to the beach, typical teenage stuff. I remember once we snuck out and got pulled over by the cops and hot tamale somehow convinced the cops to just take us home and not talk to our parents.
Started smoking more weed over that summer, pretty regularly. Started drinking too.
Time for tenth grade....
first mistakes...
Walking by that Viking, I thought wow this is awesome. I am a freshman in highschool. Soon as I got in the halls though, I was like damn.... SOOO many people. I've always been small and sometimes shy. Some of the friends I had in middle school went to highschool with me, but some went to different schools. But I still had T.F., T.B., B.C., & C.C. (you ladies know who you are)
The boy I had met at the end of 8th grade was at this highschool though. Wasn't long before we were hanging out a lot. He introduced me to all his friends as his girlfriend. Things were great. I had my friends and his to hang out in the halls with. Had my first "love". I was 14.
I'd tell my mom I was going to a girlfriends house, and really go to his. We'd do things teenagers do.... But I wasn't ready for sex. He get mad. Started pushing me around. Throwing me up against walls. I left. Called my mom to come get me.
By now, I'd started smoking cigarettes, drinking, and occasionally smoking weed. (the boyfriend I had smoked weed all the time)
Then after Christmas break, he started acting different. Kinda controlling, I guess you could say. The friends I had made when I moved to Florida from Kentucky, he didn't like. So I stopped hanging out with them as much, eventually didn't hang out with them at all. His friends were the only ones he let me hang out with, and they were what everyone called the skaters or the outcast crowd. He always had to know what I was doing when I was doing it and with who. I was 15 now.
Then I met Hot Tamale (not gonna use real names only nicknames), we quickly became great friends. She warned me early on to quit seeing RjL. She saw something I didn't obviously. I broke up with him a few times, but I'd always take him back when he'd come begging to have me back in his life.
I started skipping late afternoon classes. RjL lived right next to the school, we'd all go over his house while his mom wasn't there. We'd all get stoned and do stupid shit. But if one of his guy friends looked at me wrong, he'd drag me to another room, screaming at me- Like I had done something wrong. He'd push me around.
Then he moved out of that house into another and one day I was supposed to go to school, I skipped. One of his buddies picked me up and dropped me off at his new place. When I got there, I felt scared but excited. This was gonna be my first time.
RjL wasn't a gentle type person, to say the least. I screamed and cried the entire time. Screaming stop it hurts. But he didn't.
I missed school for a few days after that. I hurt so bad.
When I did come back to school, of course he'd told all his buddies..... I was so embarrased. Told them I screamed so loud cause he was so good.
I broke up with him a few days later...
Summer break....
The boy I had met at the end of 8th grade was at this highschool though. Wasn't long before we were hanging out a lot. He introduced me to all his friends as his girlfriend. Things were great. I had my friends and his to hang out in the halls with. Had my first "love". I was 14.
I'd tell my mom I was going to a girlfriends house, and really go to his. We'd do things teenagers do.... But I wasn't ready for sex. He get mad. Started pushing me around. Throwing me up against walls. I left. Called my mom to come get me.
By now, I'd started smoking cigarettes, drinking, and occasionally smoking weed. (the boyfriend I had smoked weed all the time)
Then after Christmas break, he started acting different. Kinda controlling, I guess you could say. The friends I had made when I moved to Florida from Kentucky, he didn't like. So I stopped hanging out with them as much, eventually didn't hang out with them at all. His friends were the only ones he let me hang out with, and they were what everyone called the skaters or the outcast crowd. He always had to know what I was doing when I was doing it and with who. I was 15 now.
Then I met Hot Tamale (not gonna use real names only nicknames), we quickly became great friends. She warned me early on to quit seeing RjL. She saw something I didn't obviously. I broke up with him a few times, but I'd always take him back when he'd come begging to have me back in his life.
I started skipping late afternoon classes. RjL lived right next to the school, we'd all go over his house while his mom wasn't there. We'd all get stoned and do stupid shit. But if one of his guy friends looked at me wrong, he'd drag me to another room, screaming at me- Like I had done something wrong. He'd push me around.
Then he moved out of that house into another and one day I was supposed to go to school, I skipped. One of his buddies picked me up and dropped me off at his new place. When I got there, I felt scared but excited. This was gonna be my first time.
RjL wasn't a gentle type person, to say the least. I screamed and cried the entire time. Screaming stop it hurts. But he didn't.
I missed school for a few days after that. I hurt so bad.
When I did come back to school, of course he'd told all his buddies..... I was so embarrased. Told them I screamed so loud cause he was so good.
I broke up with him a few days later...
Summer break....
something a little off subject, but I needed to go ahead and get this said...Someone may need to read this & understand things that are right and aren't
Effects of Domestic Violence on Children
Children who witnesses domestic violence against his or her parent is a victim of domestic violence as well. Approximately five million children witness domestic violence in their homes each year. A child may be a witness to his or her parent being emotionally abused, physically abused, economically abused and/or even sexually abused.
No matter how hard a parent tries to shield their child from the abuse he or she receives from an abusive partner, the child usually knows what is occurring. Even a young infant can tune into the tension and emotional feelings of his or her mother.
Most children will experience problems if they live in a violent home and witness a parent being abused. Children who witness abuse are more inclined to have behavior and emotional problems. Some children will develop psychosomatic disorders. This may include bed-wetting, school problems, night terrors, stuttering, excessive fear and crying. Children may experience depression, suicidal behaviors and phobias if they are kept in a violent household.
Older children may blame themselves for the abuse a parent receives. Older children may even step into the abuse to direct the attention onto themselves and off of the battered parent. There is a great risk that children who witness abuse may grow up thinking that violence is the only means to resolve emotional and relationship conflicts. Boys who grow up in an abusive home are more likely to batter their future partners versus boys who grow up in a nonviolent home. Children who have witnessed abuse to a parent are also more likely to drink alcohol and abuse drugs.
Children who live in a domestically violent home will suffer some form of neglect, be it physical or emotional. It isn’t always just the mother who is abused, but the children may be abused as well. Many adults who were abused when they were children report that witnessing the abuse to their mother was harder for them to deal with then the abuse they personally received.
If you are a victim of domestic violence, help is available. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. They will direct you to safe places in your area where you can seek help.
Domestic Violence
What Is Domestic Violence?
Domestic violence defined as any hurtful or unwanted behavior perpetrated upon an individual by an intimate or prior intimate. Domestic violence can include emotional/psychological abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse or economic abuse.
Domestic abuse is used as a form of control or manipulation by the abuser. Domestic violence can occur in a marriage or in a romantic relationship. Domestic violence can also be perpetrated by an ex-husband or ex-wife, or by anyone where there is a family tie.
Domestic Violence Statistics
Between three and four million women are abused by someone they trust each year in the United States. According to the U.S. Surgeon General, the number one cause of injuries to women between the ages of fifteen and forty-four is physical domestic abuse. The numbers and statistics on file do not account for the countless cases of domestic violence which goes unreported.
- About 25% of all attempted suicides by women can be attributed to women who are in abusive relationships.
- Drug abuse is more prevalent in women who are being abused.
- About 30% of all homicides against women occurs in a domestic violence relationship.
- Nearly five million children witness acts of violence against their mother each year.
Cycle of Abuse
A cycle of abuse occurs in most domestic violence situations. A Cycle of abuse is abuse that occurs in a repeating pattern. Abuse is identifiable as being cyclical in two ways: it is both generational and episodic. Generational cycles of abuse are passed down, by example and exposure, from parents to children. Episodic abuse occurs in a repeating pattern within the context of at least two individuals within a family system. It may involve spousal abuse, child abuse, or even elder abuse. Stages of Abuse
Domestic violence has three main stages. These stages will vary in time and intensity, but they are generally present in all instances of domestic violence.
Stage One: Tension Building
During stage one of domestic violence, small physical assaults may occur. Usually, the victim is able to calm down the abuser through techniques he or she has learned from dealing with the abuser in the past. Many abuse victims will inwardly deny that their partners are abusing them. They may smooth over the small isolated assaults and make excuses for the abusers in their minds. However, many abuse victims do recognize that these small incidents will generally escalate and lead to a bigger, more dangerous incident. Victims seem to take it upon themselves to keep things running smoothly so as not to aggravate the abuser. The psychological stress that a victim endures during this stage is brutal.
Stage Two: Explosion
During stage two of domestic violence, nothing the victim can do or say can appease or stop the abuser’s violence. All of the tensions from stage one are released. The abuser has no self-control and can severely injure his or her partner. The abuser is in a blind rage and is oblivious to the damage he or she is inflicting on his or her partner. This phase of the cycle is generally shorter than the other two stages. However, the abuse that a victim endures during this stage is tormenting.
Stage Three: Calm/Relief
Stage three of domestic violence is welcomed by both the abuser and the victim. Tension and brutality has been released and loving kindness is put in its place. The abuser will be very remorseful, charming and warm. Promises are made to the victim and the abuser may shed tears. Both the abuser and the victim want to believe that it will never happen again. Stage three is when most victims of domestic violence get the courage to leave.
Battered Women’s Syndrome
Battered Women’s Syndrome is considered to be a form of Post-Traumatic Stress. Battered Women’s Syndrome is a recognized psychological condition that is used to describe someone who has been the victim of consistent and/or severe domestic violence. To be classified as a battered woman, a woman has to have been through two cycles of abuse.
What is a Cycle of Abuse?
A Cycle of abuse is abuse that occurs in a repeating pattern. Abuse is identifiable as being cyclical in two ways: it is both generational and episodic. Generational cycles of abuse are passed down, by example and exposure, from parents to children. Episodic abuse occurs in a repeating pattern within the context of at least two individuals within a family system. It may involve spousal abuse, child abuse, or even elder abuse.
A Cycle of abuse is abuse that occurs in a repeating pattern. Abuse is identifiable as being cyclical in two ways: it is both generational and episodic. Generational cycles of abuse are passed down, by example and exposure, from parents to children. Episodic abuse occurs in a repeating pattern within the context of at least two individuals within a family system. It may involve spousal abuse, child abuse, or even elder abuse.
A son, who is repeatedly either verbally or physically abused by his father, will predictably treat his own children in the same way. When a daughter hears her mother frequently tear down, belittle, and criticize her father, she will adapt a learned behavior which involves control through verbal abuse. Similarly, a child who witnesses his parents engaging in abusive behaviors toward one another, will very likely subject his or her spouse to the same abusive patterns. These are examples of generational abuse.
The episodic cycle of abuse is characterized by distinct periods of behavior that eventually result in an extreme episode of verbal and/or physical abuse. Typically, victims of episodic abuse live in denial of this reoccurring pattern.
The episodic cycle of abuse is characterized by distinct periods of behavior that eventually result in an extreme episode of verbal and/or physical abuse. Typically, victims of episodic abuse live in denial of this reoccurring pattern.
Stages of Battered Women's Syndrome
There are generally four stages in the battered women’s syndrome.
Stage One–Denial
Stage one of battered women's syndrome occurs when the battered woman denies to others, and to herself, that there is a problem. Most battered women will make up excuses for why their partners have an abusive incident. Battered women will generally believe that the abuse will never happen again.
Stage Two–Guilt
Stage two of battered women's syndrome occurs when a battered woman truly recognizes or acknowledges that there is a problem in her relationship. She recognizes she has been the victim of abuse and that she may be beaten again. During this stage, most battered women will take on the blame or responsibility of any beatings they may receive. Battered women will begin to question their own characters and try harder to live up their partners “expectations.”
Stage Three-Enlightenment
Stage three of battered women's syndrome occurs when a battered woman starts to understand that no one deserves to be beaten. A battered woman comes to see that the beatings she receives from her partner are not justified. She also recognizes that her partner has a serious problem. However, she stays with her abuser in an attempt to keep the relationship in tact with hopes of future change.
Stage Four–Responsibility
Stage four of battered women's syndrome occurs when a battered woman recognizes that her abuser has a problem that only he can fix. Battered women in this stage come to understand that nothing they can do or say can help their abusers. Battered women in this stage choose to take the necessary steps to leave their abusers and begin to start new lives.
Emotional and Psychological Abuse
What is Emotional and/or Psychological Abuse?
Emotional/psychological domestic abuse is the infliction of psychological or emotional suffering or fear, including actions that lead to fear of violence, to isolation or deprivation, feelings of shame, loss of dignity, humiliation, intimidation or powerlessness.
Emotional/psychological domestic abuse is often done in such a way that the abuser strips his or her victim of their identity and ability to control his or her own thoughts and actions. In many cases emotional abuse is gradual. It can take years before the victim realizes that they are a victim of emotional abuse.
Why Emotional Abuse?
Emotional abuse in a domestic setting is perpetrated by an abuser who wants to mold or create his or her partner into who he or she thinks their partner should be. Many times the abuser strives to turn his or her victim into who they are, so their victim does not feel or perceive himself or herself as a separate human being. Yet, the abuser does not truly like himself or herself so the victims of emotional abuse usually come to represent all the abuser’s fears.
Victims of Emotional Abuse
Victims of emotional abuse will question whether they have good judgment, separate and apart from their partner. Emotionally abused victims in a domestic setting generally feel that they are wrong and that everything is their fault. Many times when the abuser has an affair, loses a job or any other issue, the abuser makes his or her partner feel as if it is their fault.
Emotionally/psychologically abused victims are also manipulated into feeling that they are not worthy of the relationship with the abuser. Victims of emotional abuse come to feel they could not function without their abuser and that they are not capable of being on their own. They may be reprimanded by their abuser for asking simple questions, or told they are ignorant or unattractive. Victims of emotional abuse are often the targets of name calling, degradation and embarrassment.
At its extreme, emotional and psychological abuse can take the form of starving and isolating the victim--with isolation being the more common occurrence in a domestic setting. Many victims of emotional and psychological abuse are not permitted to leave their homes, answer their doors or telephones, shop or even attend a child’s school function. The abuser will control where a victim goes, who he or she visits with, and who the individual is allowed to interact with within their own extended families.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Middle School in Florida
Time passed pretty fast from 6th grade up to 8th. Had some good friends, but towards the end of 8th grade, I started hanging out with a totally different group of people. Wild kids, fun times, party people. I seemed to fit right in. I still hung out with my other friends but I for some reason gravitated toward the outcast crowd. Toward the end of 8th grade, I mean right at the end (maybe last week or two of school), I met my first serious boyfriend... (but we didn't start a relationship until that next school year in high school). He was a redhead, I loved red/light headed blue eyed guys.... Smoked weed for the first time during the summer after 8th grade.
I was a great student... Straight A's. Perfect student.... But I messed all that up.....
I was a great student... Straight A's. Perfect student.... But I messed all that up.....
Scars
Scars come in many forms
Some emotional
Some physical
But every scar you have
Shows that you
can & will survive
Life out there
Florida,,,, the early yrs
Dad got a REALLY good job. Things were going good. I started school. I was shy at first, but people started approaching me, they liked my accent, lol. I was doing really great. Everything was good!
Then something happened, dad's nose wouldn't quit bleeding. He was in the hospital for a long time. Even longer then he normally would have because he was going through dt's of alchohol or something. (Alchohol doesn't make your nose hemorage, but whatever.) He eventually came home. My mom tried so hard to keep him from drinking, but she eventually gave in (as most of us helpers do) and let him drink.
My mom was defeated at this point I think. I don't think she cared anymore. She got really sad. She missed Ky. She started staying angry. I think she didn't like anything anymore. After you try to help someone for so long, you do get defeated.... She stopped fighting with him, just let him do what he wanted.
Then the abuse turned towards me again. He would push me around. She would get in between us when we'd fight. I would get in between them, when they were fighting once I got big enough too. FIghting fighting fighting.... Thats what I grew up around. Addiction and fighting.....
Then something happened, dad's nose wouldn't quit bleeding. He was in the hospital for a long time. Even longer then he normally would have because he was going through dt's of alchohol or something. (Alchohol doesn't make your nose hemorage, but whatever.) He eventually came home. My mom tried so hard to keep him from drinking, but she eventually gave in (as most of us helpers do) and let him drink.
My mom was defeated at this point I think. I don't think she cared anymore. She got really sad. She missed Ky. She started staying angry. I think she didn't like anything anymore. After you try to help someone for so long, you do get defeated.... She stopped fighting with him, just let him do what he wanted.
Then the abuse turned towards me again. He would push me around. She would get in between us when we'd fight. I would get in between them, when they were fighting once I got big enough too. FIghting fighting fighting.... Thats what I grew up around. Addiction and fighting.....
Dad goes away....& I disappear
Dad went to Florida,,, I was told to look for work.... IDK. I've heard different reasons since I've been an adult. He was down there for a while before he came for us. And when he did come for us, it was Christmas, I had just turned 11. We moved on CHRISTMAS??!! One day in Ky with my friends, next in a strange state with no friends. We lived with a strange man when we up and just disappeared to Florida. Didn't come back to Ky for a while. Dad didn't come back. Just my mom would come drop me and my brother off for the summer and spring breaks at my Memaw & Pepaws.
I didn't want to move to Florida. Didn't want to leave. I remember crying. I remember leaving school that last day before Christmas break, knowing I wouldn't see my friends again. I was so sad. Everyone knew I was moving, I just didn't say to where. All my friends had written me letters or given me pictures (I lost those a long time ago- wish I still had em).
I didn't want to move to Florida. Didn't want to leave. I remember crying. I remember leaving school that last day before Christmas break, knowing I wouldn't see my friends again. I was so sad. Everyone knew I was moving, I just didn't say to where. All my friends had written me letters or given me pictures (I lost those a long time ago- wish I still had em).
School....
I remember going to school with bruises on my arms and legs and teachers asking me where they had come from. I was always a clumsy girl. good at keeping secrets.....
the abuse runs deep
When I was around 10 or so (not really sure of the age), I got into my moms makeup and perfume. (as most little girls do) Well, my dad was drunk. Came in and seen me, called me a little whore and started beating me on the back. That was the first time he'd really hit me.
The affairs... Gonna hurt some people here but hey... wth
My mom and dad had a rocky marriage to say the least.
My dad like to go to bars and wherever else... IDK. I remember he was working for someone in Hickman. He met a woman there. I vaguely remember her. He would take me to a certain bar in Hickman (can't remember the name of that one). TN Poolroom was ok, but I didn't much like this bar. Mean looking people in it. My dad was a smooth talker, could get what he wanted easily (guess that's where I get that from). I would play dominoes or pool (sometimes I'd just sit outside the door) while he sat at a bar with some woman (Everytime we went to this bar, he wouldn't meet this woman, but she was there alot). My mom found out, and I remember her trying to put her foot down. My dad would deny deny deny. But I saw it, but I kept silent. (I always have kept secrets well).... I think I remember my mom either calling her or confronting her face to face, I think it was face to face. Not long after that, my dad had no job. He did construction.
Wow, at the fights. Sometimes mom & dad would nearly get in full blown fist fights. My mom wasn't afraid to throw one back.... Yelling, lots of yelling. Unhappiness.
Mom got pregnant with a baby. After many years of trying to get pregnant, out of no where she got pregnant with a baby boy. What my dad had always wanted. A Boy, a namesake. But after he was born, his drinking picked up a lot... IDK why, it just did?!
And I am not bashing my dad by any means, I loved my dad. I was a daddy's girl despite the fact of his problems. We did spend time together, but I remember him constantly having a beer in his hand (or in a cup-if we were driving down the road). We'd go fishing, play volleyball, and I would sit in his lap anytime he was home and watch tv. He loved frogs, lol, loved to eat em- ha ha. He taught me to play solitaire. He LOVED to play solitaire. I'd sit and watch him play. I remember moms and dads friends coming over and them playing dominoes, rook, rummie, or whatever. Having little get togethers at our house was a regular thing for a while. I got to where I'd perform for everyone (always have been a lil bit of a show off). I'd dance and sing oldies. Put on my poodle skirt and just dance around. There were good times, but in a whole, the bad out weighs the good.
My dad like to go to bars and wherever else... IDK. I remember he was working for someone in Hickman. He met a woman there. I vaguely remember her. He would take me to a certain bar in Hickman (can't remember the name of that one). TN Poolroom was ok, but I didn't much like this bar. Mean looking people in it. My dad was a smooth talker, could get what he wanted easily (guess that's where I get that from). I would play dominoes or pool (sometimes I'd just sit outside the door) while he sat at a bar with some woman (Everytime we went to this bar, he wouldn't meet this woman, but she was there alot). My mom found out, and I remember her trying to put her foot down. My dad would deny deny deny. But I saw it, but I kept silent. (I always have kept secrets well).... I think I remember my mom either calling her or confronting her face to face, I think it was face to face. Not long after that, my dad had no job. He did construction.
Wow, at the fights. Sometimes mom & dad would nearly get in full blown fist fights. My mom wasn't afraid to throw one back.... Yelling, lots of yelling. Unhappiness.
Mom got pregnant with a baby. After many years of trying to get pregnant, out of no where she got pregnant with a baby boy. What my dad had always wanted. A Boy, a namesake. But after he was born, his drinking picked up a lot... IDK why, it just did?!
And I am not bashing my dad by any means, I loved my dad. I was a daddy's girl despite the fact of his problems. We did spend time together, but I remember him constantly having a beer in his hand (or in a cup-if we were driving down the road). We'd go fishing, play volleyball, and I would sit in his lap anytime he was home and watch tv. He loved frogs, lol, loved to eat em- ha ha. He taught me to play solitaire. He LOVED to play solitaire. I'd sit and watch him play. I remember moms and dads friends coming over and them playing dominoes, rook, rummie, or whatever. Having little get togethers at our house was a regular thing for a while. I got to where I'd perform for everyone (always have been a lil bit of a show off). I'd dance and sing oldies. Put on my poodle skirt and just dance around. There were good times, but in a whole, the bad out weighs the good.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
My Daddy
I loved my daddy. But daddy had lots of Demons.The main being alcohol.
For as long as I can remember, he'd always have a beer in one hand, a cigarette in the other. But dad wasn't a bad guy (all the time). He had his moments of Greatness.
My dad used to take me most places dads wouldn't take their daughters. He used to take me to the TN poolroom at a real young age. I can still remember the smell. (stale beer, cigarettes, pee, and a smell I didn't know back then but do now... weed)
When I was real young, my dad didn't drink as much, but about the time my brother was born when I was 7. His drinking picked up a lot.
I do remember my mom and dad fighting a LOT. Some physical fights, some just verbal (but abuse is abuse) Those are the main memories I have of them together.They'd fight, me and mom would leave then we'd come back. My mom always tried to help my dad with his addiction to alcohol. That is where I learned the "I need to help people who don't want to be fixed" problem that I have. From my mom and dad. Dependency & co-dependency, was learned at a young age. I ended up with a touch of both.
Addiction runs in my family, both sides. My dad was an alcoholic not sure what else... I have heard rumors of other things, but I'm not sure.
I loved my dad.... Just wish he had chose us instead of the alcohol.
For as long as I can remember, he'd always have a beer in one hand, a cigarette in the other. But dad wasn't a bad guy (all the time). He had his moments of Greatness.
My dad used to take me most places dads wouldn't take their daughters. He used to take me to the TN poolroom at a real young age. I can still remember the smell. (stale beer, cigarettes, pee, and a smell I didn't know back then but do now... weed)
When I was real young, my dad didn't drink as much, but about the time my brother was born when I was 7. His drinking picked up a lot.
I do remember my mom and dad fighting a LOT. Some physical fights, some just verbal (but abuse is abuse) Those are the main memories I have of them together.They'd fight, me and mom would leave then we'd come back. My mom always tried to help my dad with his addiction to alcohol. That is where I learned the "I need to help people who don't want to be fixed" problem that I have. From my mom and dad. Dependency & co-dependency, was learned at a young age. I ended up with a touch of both.
Addiction runs in my family, both sides. My dad was an alcoholic not sure what else... I have heard rumors of other things, but I'm not sure.
I loved my dad.... Just wish he had chose us instead of the alcohol.
My first hero
My first hero and most influential male figure would most definitely have to be my Pepaw (Thomas Richard Cole)...
When I was a little girl, we lived across from his house, in what everyone called the little house. I'd walk across the yard from my house to his and beat on the door because I couldn't open the door. He'd come to the door, scoop me up and I would ask him for a pepi (Pepsi). He'd give me a Pepsi (back in the day Pepsi's came in tall glass bottles, I remember him telling me the bottle would be half my size, lol) & I'd walk back to my house.
I remember sitting and watching my Pepaw sitting on the front porch, he & I stayed out there a lot. When I was a little girl, I didn't know the demons he had fought in his past, didn't know he'd fought in WWII.
I remember sometimes his eyes would just tear up out of no where. He had a heavy heart, but he always kept it inside. Sometimes when he thought no one was around, he'd sit outside his garage and play his guitar and sing. Maybe that's partially where my love for music comes from. He'd sing old Hank songs. Sad sad songs. He was such a wise man. He would tell me things, types of advice (like he knew he wouldn't be here when I'd need him most) I remember him telling me, "No matter what happens to you in your life, you can never give up" "Always remember that God is there for you in your darkest hours" "You will be faced with many troubles, never let them take control of you". There were so many pieces of advice he'd give on that front porch. He loved to watch me do cart wheels and hand stands and climb trees, lol. We'd watch wrestling late at night, he'd wake me up after memaw would go to bed so we could spend time alone together! He taught me to fish...He was the first to let me drive a car (at like 7) sitting in his lap. Memaw used to get so mad!! I'd drive the tractor. I spent a lot of time with my Pepaw during the summers of my childhood.
I remember I'd sneak into his garage and "work" on things. And he'd holler AIMEE MARIE, I'd smile and he would smile back shaking his head and hug me.
He was a very strong man, but he also seemed broken in a way too. We are all broken in on way or another. As we are all strong. You just have to learn to balance the two.
I loved my Pepaw.
When I was a little girl, we lived across from his house, in what everyone called the little house. I'd walk across the yard from my house to his and beat on the door because I couldn't open the door. He'd come to the door, scoop me up and I would ask him for a pepi (Pepsi). He'd give me a Pepsi (back in the day Pepsi's came in tall glass bottles, I remember him telling me the bottle would be half my size, lol) & I'd walk back to my house.
I remember sitting and watching my Pepaw sitting on the front porch, he & I stayed out there a lot. When I was a little girl, I didn't know the demons he had fought in his past, didn't know he'd fought in WWII.
I remember sometimes his eyes would just tear up out of no where. He had a heavy heart, but he always kept it inside. Sometimes when he thought no one was around, he'd sit outside his garage and play his guitar and sing. Maybe that's partially where my love for music comes from. He'd sing old Hank songs. Sad sad songs. He was such a wise man. He would tell me things, types of advice (like he knew he wouldn't be here when I'd need him most) I remember him telling me, "No matter what happens to you in your life, you can never give up" "Always remember that God is there for you in your darkest hours" "You will be faced with many troubles, never let them take control of you". There were so many pieces of advice he'd give on that front porch. He loved to watch me do cart wheels and hand stands and climb trees, lol. We'd watch wrestling late at night, he'd wake me up after memaw would go to bed so we could spend time alone together! He taught me to fish...He was the first to let me drive a car (at like 7) sitting in his lap. Memaw used to get so mad!! I'd drive the tractor. I spent a lot of time with my Pepaw during the summers of my childhood.
I remember I'd sneak into his garage and "work" on things. And he'd holler AIMEE MARIE, I'd smile and he would smile back shaking his head and hug me.
He was a very strong man, but he also seemed broken in a way too. We are all broken in on way or another. As we are all strong. You just have to learn to balance the two.
I loved my Pepaw.
First Memories....
My childhood was full of crazy stuff.... But one of my very first memories was not such a good one.
I don't remember how old I was, but my mom and dad were fighting... Really bad...Dad was pushing mom around and she pushed him back and he fell into a closet (if I remember it right) and we left....But we always came back...
My dad was an alcoholic...
I don't remember how old I was, but my mom and dad were fighting... Really bad...Dad was pushing mom around and she pushed him back and he fell into a closet (if I remember it right) and we left....But we always came back...
My dad was an alcoholic...
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