Just so everyone is aware this is a blog about my life with an ex who did many things wrongs to me (and eventually the children) 

I NO longer lead my life anything like the posts are talking about.

Into the end....

As I snorted up that pink glassy stuff, I thought my nose was going to burn off my face. I remember everyone there thought it was hilarious to see this 18 year old, lean up from that mirror and say oh GD. I immediately got the nickname Hoover. I guess they thought I was lying about all of my experiences with cocaine back in Florida. I didn't do anymore that night... But over the next few months of 98,, I dabbled more and more.
Jack would want to get high, so I'd be like heck yea, lets do it. I so just wanted to see him happy and he was the happiest when he was high. New Years Eve that year was GREAT!! Biggest party we'd ever had. We'd sneak to the bathroom and do a line or two and then back to the party we went. Many memories from that night.
We really didn't fight to much back in the first months of our relationship... oh but the fights were to come. (and over lil shit, like dishes or food) It was around February of 99 that we were living in Union City. We were in Jackson every chance we'd get, partying and just having the time of our lives (so I thought). I met so many people. Jack seemed to know everyone, and he was so protective (OBSESSIVE) of me. If we were out in public, I constantly had to be within eye sight. I had to be seen but not heard. All of which I thought was perfectly normal. (with growing up the way I did,, that was normal to me) Around July of 99, Jack and I went up to happy chandlers to look at the lake. We went on odd drives often... That was the first time I went skinny dipping , and we had sex while in the water. Little did I know, I would end up pregnant.  I was a stupid teenager. Blindly in love and willing to do anything to make our relationship work.
I didn't start my period in August, and I went straight to the Agape house one day while Jack was sleeping. Sure enough I was pregnant. I was 19. I went to the apartment and woke him up and he took me to the store, where we bought 6 more pregnancy tests and sure enough, they all came back as positive. So I made a Dr.'s appt. The first time I heard the heart beat it changed my world. No longer did my life revolve around Jack, but instead it revolved around this little creature growing inside of me. That made Jack so mad, he was so jealous of the baby that wasn't even here yet. About 3 months into the pregnancy, Jack and I started fighting so bad. He would get mad and push me. He'd get angry and hit me in the belly. At one point he pushed me down the stairs, I went straight to the er. The heartbeat remained strong. He was so jealous. I should've seen what was coming, but I was blind....

Meth,, the one thing I'd never do... Yes that was me. My morals did matter some to me. But I suppose that Jack mattered more. When the ultimatum of trying it or losing him came around,, I was quick to listen (obey was more like it.) I was quick to become one of those people who just bowed down to Jack. At that point in my life I didn't see it as weakness, but as loyalty and love. But real love never asks you to do anything you aren't willing to do in the first place....
I'm going to back up to the first time I found out Jack did meth.  I had noticed that he'd stay up odd hours, didn't eat much,, but I didn't put two and two together. I was blindly in love. A teenager with high hopes of this older guy. I thought Jack hung the moon... He could do no wrong (but he did a lot of wrong)... It was not long after we got together and we were just hanging out... maybe end of October of 98. It was a warm day (but not to warm) for fall and Jack and I had gone over to his sisters that day. He was sweating ~ wearing a tank and shorts and I was freezing wearing a t shirt, one of his long sleeve shirts and jeans. I thought his sister was a bit odd, but it was his sister so I tried to give her a chance. It was that day that he brought up trying it with him, but I said no and he didn't press the issue (at least not that day). I watched as he snorted up this glassy pink stuff and thought I'll never do that. I immediately noticed his sex drive increase, but even at 18 I couldn't keep up. That was the first day Jack told me he loved me... But looking back,, I think it had something to do with the fact that I had just given the longest blowjob of my life. (around 7 and a half hours worth-- he was proud of that too,,, used to tell his buddies and I used to think shit like that was normal).
Around Thanksgiving of 98 (after many weeks of him pestering me - meth will give us a better sex life, it will help us connect on a deeper level, blah blah blah), we were hanging out with some friends and they were all getting high (remember I had tried/done nearly everything in high-school). I remember thinking to myself, I'm never going to do that. Jack walked me into the bathroom of that trailer and looked me dead in the eyes and told me I needed to try it. I refused,, he got closer to my face and said "Aimee, Try it or you need to leave and we are done", He led me back out of the bathroom, and pointed to the dresser where he'd laid out a good two inch line... It was pink and glassy but yet fluffy at the same time. I remember looking at the girl that was there and she shook her head (as if to say you better do it) I glanced at the guy that was sitting beside her and he just smiled. I looked up at Jack and said "No, I don't want to" and he pointed at the door. So I took the rolled up money, and leaned forward... in a way, I guess into the end I leaned....

acceptance

The Beginning,, 1998

Lets take a few steps back and start with my mom and dad's split up (I never really said anything about that).  After many years of dealing with my father's alcoholism, the non-stop fighting between my mom & dad, and all the indiscretions - My mom finally said enough,, she threw him and his stuff of out of the house (literally) and he got what he could in his van and moved back to Kentucky. My mom tried to make it on her own, but Florida (especially the city we were living in) is an expensive place to live. So (if I am remembering correct) she moved to Tennessee to stay with my aunt until she got back on her feet in either the end of April 1998 or beginning of May 98. 

I stayed and moved in with RjL. I tried to make it work with him, but there was too much fighting and once I was living with him our fights got a lot more physical. I called my mom once, and she got me a bus ticket to Tennessee, but I didn't stay long (just long enough to get a job and get money for a bus ticket back down there). But I once again had to call her, this time she borrowed a van and came and got me. Lord, this was all from May to July of 98. I put a lot on my mom that summer. I'm sorry for that mom. 

Once I decided that I was not going back to RjL, and I was going to stay in Tennessee,, things got pretty good. I had cleaned my act up, no more smoking pot or doing other drugs. Around August of 98, I got set up on a date with the a pretty decent guy. I got a job at an in home daycare and things were going pretty damn good. The guy I was seeing played drums and wrote music,, he was in a little band and they had me singing some of the songs (I've always loved to sing and write). I got my first tattoo, my tribal butterfly.  Life was good for that moment in time.

Let's see,, I do believe it was towards middle of September 1998 that the guy I was seeing and I went to one of his friends house's to go swimming. We were all sitting around the table beside the pool (it was a cool afternoon & no one had gotten in the pool yet.) Then in come walking this attractive red-head with mirrored sunglasses (I had never seen him before), no introductions were made. Someone finally got up and jumped in the pool, so at this point I was decided I was going to go dive in too. Didn't stay in long though (it was freaking cold!!) I got out of the pool, and even through those dark mirrored sunglasses, I could tell this mysterious stranger was watching my every move. I finally said something to him (don't remember what I said, just remember that it was a smart-ass little comment). He laughed (& he came back with an equally smart-ass little comment too, I smarted off right back and he followed up with a 'well by God') and then he smiled and took his sunglasses off and introduced himself as Jack. Right at that moment I was smitten, I'd met my match (or so I thought). After a bit of all of us sitting around bull-shitting,, we all decided to jump in the pool. After it started to get to cold to be in the pool,, we decided to go riding around back-roads, Jack and I talked quite a bit that night,, but I never saw what was going to happen coming.

Jack starting bringing himself around more and more. The guy I was seeing thought he was coming to see him,, but in fact he was coming around so he could see me. Jack started showing up where me and the guy I was seeing would be out at. Cheers was our main go and hang out place (mind you I was only 18) but I very rarely drank, unless Jack was around. He had a way with people, way of getting them to do what he wanted or thinking what he wanted them to think. He also had a way of finding trouble. One night some guy at the bar was being a big time ass towards me (grabbing my ass, trying to dance with me when I didn't want to dance w/ him & then started saying some really belligerent stuff to me)  and the guy I was seeing would not do anything about it,, so Jack got in a fight with that guy. 

Jack invited the guy I was seeing and several other people to go to a bar in Jackson. That night was the first night I'd ever drank crown and coke. I had a blast. I danced the night away with him and lots of people. We had a fantastic night. After the bar closed, we all decided to go to IHOP, something was wrong the guy I was seeings car, so he ran to Walmart to get whatever it was to fix his car and left me there with Jack. He and I had gone outside to smoke and that's when I found out how he felt about me. 

We were all to tipsy to drive back from Jackson to South Fulton, so we stayed with one of Jack's friends in Jackson. After everyone had fallen asleep,, I got up and walked outside and Jack followed. We walked down to this open field, it was a beautiful night it was cold but the stars were shining bright and it was a full moon. Jack gave me his long sleeve shirt he had on. I'd never had a guy treat me like the way he was treating me. Then he kissed me. I'd never cheated on anyone before, so I felt horrible about the kiss. We stood there talking about what was going to happen between us until the sun was coming up and then we walked back to the house. Guy I was talking to was outside, sitting on the steps. I asked Jack to give me a minute, but Jack didn't move away to far. I told the guy I was seeing that Jack & I kissed and I thought it was best if we didn't see one another anymore & I told him I wanted to be with Jack. Of course he got angry and tried to snatch me up, but Jack stepped up and told him there was no need in that. He went in the house and woke the other people that came down to Jackson with him, got them in the car and they left. This was October 1998. 

Within a few days of us seeing each other, he'd pretty much had me moved in with him. Things were happening so fast, but it felt ok and good. In the beginning he was such a great guy. He even took the time to go introduce himself to my mom, because after the guy I was seeing and I split up and I got together with Jack people were telling my mom all sorts of stuff of about Jack. After my mom and Jack had sat down and talked, my mom still had a bad feeling about him and told me I shouldn't see him, but I was 18 (I was stubborn & you couldn't tell me anything-I've always been a tad bit stubborn) and didn't want to hear anything anyone had to say, especially someone telling me not to be with someone I thought hung the moon.

Jack took me places and did things with me, things I'd always wanted to do. With the guy I'd been seeing before Jack, I didn't really meet many people, Jack started introducing me to lots of people. He knew it seemed like everyone!! Some of these people, I didn't know at the time were his dope doing buddies. Wasn't long until I figured that out though. Guess it wasn't long before he asked me to get high with him,, but he did something that I'd always said I would NEVER do.... meth

I told him no until I was blue in the face about using it... But like I've said he had this way of getting people to do what he wanted them to do. And I ended up being one of those people. It came to the point of him saying,, you either try this or we are over. So I gave in one night. This was the beginning of a long standing battle with him. The battle that almost took my life....

Been a while...

I've not been writing on here (I have taken a long break,, too long- been dealing with a lot though).... 

I got stuck between wanting to write and thinking that I am going to make people mad & hurt some people. Lots of people are going to call me a liar, but no one was behind the closed doors with me. I lived one life in public, and lead a totally different life in private. 

I lived that way for the next 11 years. But, I've come realize that I can't be scared of what people are going to think of this next part of my life's journey,, lot of it is sad, a lot of it is bad and there is so much regret. I'm ready to clear my conscious and start walking with my head high. It's 3 am,, couldn't sleep. I never sleep anymore. I'm going to use a lot of anonymous names instead of real names,, but those who read this should know who I am referring to.

I am ready to be free of Jack Jr. Free from people saying things about me,, still thinking I am the person I was when I was with him. Mostly, I am so so tired of being the girl who got shot by her crazy husband and still to this day,, living under his shadow.

Bare with me,, this part is going to be long and very detailed.

Here it goes,, here comes the truth.

Stand for what is right

I am standing up for myself

If anyone does not like the fact that I am telling my life's story

STAY OFF THIS PAGE!!!

I knew some people would get mad, but some that I

thought would understand, are being the most critical!!

For anyone who doesn't know what a blog is meant for

LET ME EXPLAIN:

It is to express your feelings, your troubles, your thoughts,

to try and help people who may need HELP!!

I will continue to write, and there is a lot more to be said.

So like it or not,

You will not persuade me to stop....